I created a MONSTER...

The fact that WE create and attract everything and everyone in our lives can be a hard pill to swallow.  I mean seriously...even down to our parents, our families, our upbringing...WE chose that.  Before we were born, we decided what life situations we wanted to experience in order to learn what we wanted to learn.  It's kinda like deciding to go away to college... 

First, you decide your major, what you want to focus on.  Then, you sit down with advisers who help you pick out your courses.  And, those of us who have experienced going to college remember our advisers and peers saying...ohhhh, yeah, not many make it through that class.  It's a weed out course...but, if you can make it past that, you can handle anything.  Did we just say, forget it, I'm not going, it'll be too hard???  Nooo...our crazy selves went anyway.  Some chose just to get an associates, some a bachelors, some grad school, PhD, med school...you get the point.  Some are harder and longer to get through than others.  And, it's the same with life...

I chose to be born into situations where I was forced to love those who abandoned me emotionally.  I chose to grow in situations where my dreams, aspirations, and personality were ignored and unsupported.  I chose to experience repeated betrayal from those I was supposed to be able to trust.  To survive, I learned how to expect the worst from those who love me, and even though it hurts, to do my best to try and change their minds, their hearts...to survive, I chose to be optimistic hoping they would one day see me for ME...and love ME.  I learned to just take the bullshit, I learned to doubt myself, I learned how to just go along with what was going on...I didn't want to cause any trouble.  Even still, there was always a part of me that knew better, that was ready to fight...and sometimes did...but this part of me for the most part remained hidden, only to come out when things just got too much.

And so...this pattern repeated throughout most of my life...because, this is all I knew.  This is what I thought love was.  I thought love was being with someone who ignores my dreams, aspirations, and personality and only focuses on what THEY want to see in me.  I thought love was being with someone who never really got to know the real me.  You see, all this time I thought the real me was something I needed to get rid of...and this other person that everyone else saw...perhaps THAT'S who the real me should be.  So, I constantly played the game of trying to be what they wanted me to be.  Staying optimistic hoping one day they'll see ME and love ME...and I won't have to play the game anymore.  But, never is it enough.  I'm still left abandoned. 

So...one day I woke up...lol!  Yes!  These are all situations I created, people I attracted.  These are the courses I chose to take.  Am I gonna learn my lesson and pass the class???  Yes! 

I'm learning forgiveness.  We are all one, I am you, you are me...when you do something to wrong me, I can have compassion.  I can find understanding...I can in some way relate and let go of my initial judgment.  You did the best you could, and you're doing the best you can.  And when I can't find understanding, when I can't relate, I create situations that show me how you felt and why you acted that way.  In either case, I'm learning forgiveness, I'm learning to not take it personal.  I'm learning I can be ME...even if you don't like her.  I can be ME...even if you don't love her.  I can be ME and not be afraid of how you feel about her.  I can be ME even when no one likes her.  And, even better, I can CREATE and ATTRACT people and situations that are honest, trustworthy and emotionally supportive. 

I was forced to love what hurt me at one time...it was like being put in a jail.  And, even though I was let out 10 years ago, I still walked around like I was still there!  Wow, I walked around for TEN WHOLE YEARS thinking there was some kinda invisible fence ready to zap me!!  LOL!!  But, now I know that I'm FREE...I'm not forced to love what hurts me anymore...instead, I'm now free to love what and who loves ME.

Comments

[ME]

The whole concept, i found to be interesting. Reading this blog i have come to realize what courses i am taking and the goal i want to attain. I understand all to well about trying to be the person someone else see's you and but all the while optimistically wanting them to realize who the true "you" really is. But how can they know who the true "you" is if you never show them. I fell into a pattern before, and i thought i broke it. Reading this blog helped me realize i traded one pattern for another. I really do appreciate the food for thought. Your words have served as inspiration for me to find the way to pass the courses that I chose.

[chameleon]

very interesting: sounds as if you found your swag! seriously I suppose you live and you learn or you just experience this thing called life; which neverless means (or atleast I think) you havent seen "SHIT" yet... And I would love to know who you are...